Today, I did something crazy. I signed up for Weight Watchers Online. I'm finished being fat. Yeah, I'm not going to sugar coat it. It's fat, excess fat, that is hiding my body. It's not chub. I'm not chubby. It's not "bigness" clinging to my muscles and under my skin, so I'm not "big." I'm fat. I'm 5' and maybe 1" if I'm generous on the tape measure. I'm also 230 lbs.
So, there it is. And I'm done with it. Today, without any further ado, I begin the long journey of weight loss. My hope is that by using the Weight Watchers Points System, I can make eating healthy easy without committing to eating "plan foods" so that it's a long lasting change. I'm hoping that by taking it one day at a time, I can get through this.
I'm terrified that I'll fail. Again. I've failed other systems and plans in the past. I've even gained weight while working with a personal trainer and nutrition coach. He couldn't understand HOW I gained weight.His disappointment was so disheartening. So, I quit. I worked with my doctor after that, and worked out daily and kept a food diary that adhered to my doctor's prescribed diet. After losing 30 lbs, my doctor asked me how many pants sizes I'd lost. I told him I'd only dropped one pant size (18 to a 16). He said that was impossible that I should have lost several sizes (I realized later, that as a man, he was used to every 2 inches equaling a pants size - not so with woman's sizes). I felt like a failure, so I quit. AFTER 30 lbs!!
I'm so determined this time and I hope, like quitting smoking or alcohol or drugs, that each time I try and fail, I come closer to actual success. This time, I'm going to succeed. I'm going to do it myself this time. I'm not using the meetings, partly because of my failures in the past. I'm competitive, but I tend to give up when I'm not at least meeting par. I need to stay away from people who would look at me confused when I don't lose any weight this week. I need to avoid seeing people around me looking better while I feel the same (I didn't feel any different after losing 30 lbs - I didn't feel like I looked any different which compounded the effect of my doctor's statement.). This time, my husband is on board with me.. This time, I have a little boy who needs me, who wants to run and play with Mommy.
My goal for this blog is to track my progress, publicly announce my successes and failures so I can stop hiding, and maybe, if I can succeed, someone will be encouraged by my story.
Today, I did something crazy. I decided to take control of my body.
