Okay, so FOR-SHAME! I missed Wednesday. I didn't post anything new and I'm really sorry. My son had to go in for a sedated hearing test at our children's hospital. It was extremely stressful for me for lots of reasons. This was the first time Josh has ever been under anesthesia and I just could NOT handle them holding him down while he screamed to put in the IV. I left while Daddy stayed to help and watch. I only came in once he was sleeping. He passed his test, so his hearing is normal. This means we've ruled out hearing problems for his lack of speech and behavioral abnormalities. It's a step in the right direction, but it does bring us closer to autism as the most definite diagnosis. I keep hoping the doctor is wrong, but it's not looking good.
So, all that happened on Wednesday, so I TOTALLY spaced on my blog. Sorry again!
Good news though! I lost again this week. I'm down another 2-1/2 pounds putting me over the 45 pounds-lost mark. Yay! It's getting to be a little unreal now. 45 pounds is a lot of weight and it's hard to wrap my head around losing more than my son weighs. Feels great though.
I'm starting to see and really feel the differences in ways I've never anticipated. Sure, I feel better, stronger, less sore, less sick, less tired. You know that's coming; we've heard of those benefits over and over again. But I'm noticing the cool stuff. I'm noticing that I can cross my legs again (something that I lost the ability to do around size 22). I can tie my shoes without getting a cramp in my stomach from pushing so hard to fold in half. I can hold my ankle while I stretch my quads. That may not seem like much, but I had SO much fat on my thighs and my butt, that my leg wouldn't fold far enough so that I could reach my ankle. Sad, but true.
I'm also noticing kinda funny things. Like, I use less body wash, shaving lotion, and body butter. It takes less time to shave my legs, by seconds, but I notice. I can see the car's seat on either side of my body/legs. Before, I took up the ENTIRE thing. I eclipsed the passenger seat. Yeah. Eclipsed. My motherhood charm bracelet and my wedding ring are getting looser. There's SO much to notice after 45 pounds. Seriously.
Something that I'm also noticing is this nearly overwhelming urge to grab heavy people I see and shake them and say, "Oh my GOD! Come with me! We need to stop the madness! Get healthy with me!! DROP THE FRIES!" It's painful to see heavy people. I'm heavy, yes. I know. And I'm not planning on staying that way. But, when I see other heavy people, I wanna scream like I wish someone had screamed at me! I want to save them - take them aside and teach them to eat right and how to exercise - the way I wish someone had done for me. I want to hug them and say, we'll get to the bottom of this together. We're going to save your life! I wanna save them like I'm saving me.
That brings me to the final thing that really gripped me this week. I need to find counseling. And it's gotta be cheap. I can't afford, well, anything right now. If I don't deal with my past issues, they will just crop up and make me gain the weight again. See, I emotionally eat sometimes, but it's not like sadness or anger makes me eat. I eat because I'm scared. I'm scared of being pretty.
I was sexually abused by no less than five different men over the course of 21 years. First when I was very little by family. Then, just before I was a teen by a stranger. Again, when I was 13 by a neighbor. Once more at 15 by another family member (who served jail time for crimes he'd later commit), and finally as an adult (the worst abuse I'd experienced). I've been through hell. I've gained weight to the point that men are not attracted to me (that's my plan anyway). Subconsciously, I've piled on the pounds until men stopped cat-calling, asking me out, inquiring as to my status, etc. Every time I'm approached, I break out in a cold sweat and a panic attack ensues. And yet, there's a large part of me that wants to be pretty; wants to be attractive. Unfortunately, some men took that freedom from me. Now, I'm scared to be looked at and terrified of being approached. That fear is rising up as I'm losing weight and I'm afraid that I'll feel naked without my fat when I lose the weight for good. I need counseling to DEAL with that fear. That and a healthy dose of female self defense classes and some martial arts classes. (After about 75 lbs lost, I plan to enroll in defense classes.)
Okay, so that's been MY week. A lot to do. A lot to think about. And some weight lost for good! Have a good week everyone! Until next week, stay healthy!
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